does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
