I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
