i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Randomize
