I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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