i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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