Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
