pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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