If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
