in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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