i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
