she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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