Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
