Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
