You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
