Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize