that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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