genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
