Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
