drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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