I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
