How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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