chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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