i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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