So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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