I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
