Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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