I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm always down for nudity.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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