allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
