What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
