Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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