The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
