I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize