do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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