The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
