You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
