There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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