TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
no you cant smoke seaweed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
