The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
