Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
