Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
