She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
