Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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