in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
