So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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