You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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