I am in a vortex of obligation.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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