I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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