remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and she was petting her beer can
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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