everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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