Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
