shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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