listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize