My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
