This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
