well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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