Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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