the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
