Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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