I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
