I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
