he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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