so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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