how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
