I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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