there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
