She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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