I didn't shave. On purpose
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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