just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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