Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ladies don't puke and tell
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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