my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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